In Horror-Scopes, a dedicated group of amateur astrologers Grapevine gives you their mysterious view of the dark fate that lies ahead of you. The tea leaves have spoken!
Aries
The spirits demand their sacrifice, Aries. Oath made in the blood weighs as much as a delicate click “I have read and agree to the terms.” Do not provoke their anger. Upgrading your iOS will not end well for you.
Naut
No, Taurus, it’s absolutely NOT too early to be in the Halloween sweater. Mix it up with a witch’s hat while you’re at it, why not? We called Tim Burton’s alleged Grapevine fan and he agreed.
Twins
The cold autumn fog hides a lot, The Gemini, but not that unfinished business or your inaudible relationship with your father.
Cancer
Byronic fiction is best enjoyed at the cemetery, don’t you think? Make sure you miss all sunrise and do not accidentally carry a dirty graveyard under your shoes, leather and gothic shoes. It may invite some restless soul to follow you and your sleep paralysis monster does not need more company. Unless there’s another fan of Cradle of Filth.
Leo
I do not care what they say, Leo, you go and enjoy that pumpkin spiced latte! This year has been strong enough, so just go ahead and embrace everything that would have made you a bitch before. Pop on this DVD notebook or listen to Chainsmokers #goodvibes #missingcoachella
Virgo
Browsing through aesthetic blogs on tumblr may not be the best way to deal with long-term scales, but damaging some of these “Hocus Pocus” gifs can not hurt.
Scale
There is nothing wrong with thinking so little about Halloween that you are once again choosing a sexy cat color this year. Just kidding – we know your ambition for the splendor of Samhain far beyond the cats. We look forward to unanimous wins in this year’s costume contest if you go big and rent a tiger for a sexy Carole Baskin look. For complete reliability, (allegedly) kill your husband.
the Scorpion
Make yourself like a ghost and grab a little boo-ze. Maybe it’s warming your heart Death Scorpio. (We hate Scorpios. Sue us.)
The archer
We love new seasons – both weather and “Bachelorette”! Let’s hope Clare (or Tayshia?) Finds love this time. If you’re reading this, Crawley, let the falling leaves remind you that it’s okay to drop.
Capricorn
It’s time for girls niiiight! Create a group chat for all your friends, get some firewood and just go apeshit in the woods. Satanic singing can be a great bonding experience, we hear, like dancing naked in the woods! Make sure none of your friends’ names are Abigail Williams, Elizabeth Proctor or anything like that … dangerous.
Aquarius
The only thing that accompanies you to the grave is a worm. You will be alone forever, you who lose water.
Fish
It is not too late to book a cabin for the autumn days ahead. Fulfill your dream of being a hermit in the highlands, Pisces! Mysteriously disappear into the great mist, go pick some berries and knit yourself an awesome cloak. Be the legendary character you were born to be.