You are lucky that you do not have children … ”
Have you ever made this remark to a childless friend or relative? Chances are that you have inadvertently stepped on a landmine of grief and loss for the person at the receiving end. On average, every fifth woman in the developed world does not have a child when they reach 45 (in some countries it is as high as one in four).
Of these childless women, 90 percent are childless by choice. For some it is due to infertility, but for the most part it is due to ‘circumstances’. There are also similar, if not greater numbers of childless men. (According to Statistics Denmark, one in eight women in Denmark is childless when they reach the age of 50; for men it is one in five.)
Wrapped in shame
Despite the high number of childless people not of their choice (which comes as a surprise to many), the experience of involuntary childlessness is a silent one, shrouded in taboo and shame.
All too often, we childless people are complicit in the silence, simply because that is what society expects of us: not to talk about it, just to go on with it and be grateful for the lives we have, with our long sleep-ins, regularly dining and exotic travel.
But for the childless, this is a very real, living loss. With every milestone for others – the first day of school, graduation, weddings, becoming grandparents – comes the reminder of a missed life, a life that is much desired.
Lack of recognition
It is also the changes in relationships that come with infertility. From the feeling of isolation among parent friends who attract others with children, to our strained family relationships as focus zeros on our siblings’ children, we are increasingly experiencing exclusion in everyday conversations.
It is what is known as a form of ‘excluded grief’, where the loss is neither witnessed, heard nor acknowledged by the societies we live in. It is one that is ever present, on some level, even after years have passed.
As if it is not difficult enough to navigate this loss, there is society’s assessment of us. There are assumptions that we are selfish and career-oriented and that we do not like children. There is the notion that we do not contribute to society and that we are somehow not as dignified as parents. The preface that is so often heard, “like mother …” says it all.
But we childless people come together and seek to create a cultural shift in the way society views and treats us. We are aware that if we are to change this narrative, we must tell our stories. All over the world we come together to support each other, raise awareness of our experiences, break the silence about infertility and show by example that life can be happy and meaningful without children.
A week to be heard
A powerful initiative, World Childless Week (WCW), takes place from 13.-19. September. Now in its fifth year, this online international event reaches 97 countries. It is an opportunity for all of us who wanted children but for various reasons did not, to attend and meet others in the same position who ‘get it’. It is a chance to find support and strength in a community.
Each day will cover a dedicated theme, e.g. ‘Have you considered adoption’ – why we hate this question and why it is inappropriate to ask it – and ‘Leave a legacy’: because parenting is not the only way to contribute to society or leave a legacy. Admission to this week’s webinars is available free of charge on WCW’s website.
A local organization for childless people of their choice in Denmark does not support WCW with a picnic on Sunday 19 September at Kongenshave. For those interested in participating, please contact This Unknown Place via its website.
And for those who make offensive comments, involuntary infertility is a really tough experience. Please do not make it worse.