What is it with all the penises? They are everywhere! (When I say penises, I should hurry to say ‘male penises’, just in case it caused any insult out there.)
Small screen penises, big screen penises, hypnotic penises, comic penises, erotic penises and even talking penises… In the old days, the inclusion of multiple penises in movie-related copy always meant one thing: Ewan McGregor gets his set out. Now it’s the Hollywood standard.
Roman Roy’s cock pictures in Succession, the testicular cancer scare in The White Lotus, the talking button in Pam and Tommy (the entire series has been available at Disney + since March 9; 72 at Metacritic), the Bronco Henry Club in The Power of the Dog, Bradley’s whirlpool hand-shandy in Nightmare Alley, and the old man’s completely upright number just before an insane grandmother cuts off the fingers in the first section of Euphoria S2 (all season available on HBO Max; 74).
Every time it surprises you… like an erection fluttering through the opening of a pair of boxers (or was it just me at boarding school?). “They certainly will not show you,” you think, and then suddenly it’s there: “I want to pretend I did not see it … it does not look right … I thought it would look older out.”
Honestly, I was pretty upset by the sumptuous first episode of Euphoria, but I continued down the road to Dasmascus, and by the end of episode 7, I was really converted. Should I, a 49-year-old, watch another drama about teens portrayed by adults making young people insecure about their bodies? Well, this is a teenage drama that you’ve never seen before. It is so artistic and sure that it will give Succession a chance for its money in the grand prizes. Shame that the last episode sucked so much with the overkill.
What killed Kenny’s chances?
It makes you wonder what Games of Thrones would have done with the castration story if it had been made 10 years later. Well, maybe Against the Ice (Netflix since March 2; 50), which reunites Lannister’s Charles Dance and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau in Greenland’s icy wilderness, will have the answer – just like in the cross-country Olympics, frozen things are a clear possibility. Coster-Waldau, whose wife is Greenlander, has helped write the script, so the hopes were high, but the Danish director Peter Flinth (Arn), who was out of his depth, made this one loose on arrival.
Early Oscar favorite Belfast (March 24; 75) has probably shot its charge, but the late announcement that it will appear before the ceremony is welcome news. Kenneth Branagh’s most personal film ever (he grew up in Northern Ireland before moving to Reading as a young teenager) has brought together a strong cast, including Judy Dench, Ciaran Hinds and Jamie Dornan – a revelation in the miniseries The Tourist (all episodes on HBO Max ; 81).
But will it end up keeping its distance from these three heavyweight challengers: Paul Thomas Anderson’s epic of growing old Licorice pizza (March 17; 90), Maggie Gyllenhaal’s impressive debut The prodigal daughter (March 17; 86) starring Olivia Colman; and Japanese tour-de-force Drive my car (March 31; 91), a 179-minute sure thing to win the award for best international film. It’s hard to know which one to see first.
In contrast, although not yet published, Operation Fortune: War Ruse (March 17), Ambulance (March 24), Morbius (March 31) and another Netflix vehicle for Ryan Reynolds, The Adam project (March 11), have a ‘shower, not a grower’ air about them. The former has all the ingredients to become yet another Guy Ritchie roar and… of course Jason Statham is in it.
This leaves several 5.5-6.0 inch cases: Louis Wain’s electrical life (March 3; 63) plays Benedict Cumberbatch as an off-the-wall artist from the 19th century; Study 666 (March 10; 50) throws the Foo Fighters (yes, the band) into a haunted horror movie; in the exciting Windfall (March 18 on Netflix), starring Jesse Plemons, Jason Segel and Lily Collins, a tech billionaire discovers an independent waste living in his cottage; while Old Henrik (March 31; 69) Imagine how it could feel to discover that your aging father was in fact Billy the Kid.
Aha… it’s a male penis
Could be worse … imagine finding out your father was Toni Schumacher. He has no relationship with former Liverpool policeman Tony Schumacher, the author of the acclaimed British crime series Respond (Dr TV) with Martin Freeman in the lead role, and the authenticity really shows. The authors of Winning time: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty (HBO Max since March 7; 69), on the other hand, was barely out of diapers when Magic Johnson freaked out on his stuff, but the result is a very notable series that owes The Last Dance.
Overall, there are not many exciting American TV prospects waiting for March. Pirate comedy Our flag means death (HBO Nordic; 71) already looks dated – as if it missed the boat and was neglected in the pandemic. Likewise Minx (March 17 on HBO Nordic), the tale of a feminist who made the world’s first erotic magazine for women in 1973, has the same beat of better series that has already told similar stories with better cast. And miniseries from the 1950s The women of the movement (March 11 on CMore; 71) has déjà vu written all over it.
Return series include Barry (S3; TBC), Better Things (S5; March 3) and Kung Fu (S2; March 11) on HBO Max; Transplantation (S2; March 8) on CMore; and Bridgerton (S2; March 25) on Netflix – and there will no doubt be fans excited to see what happens to the Duke of Hastings in this free zone without restrictions. Well, come up with the program Ladies, for Regé-Jean Page dropped this as soon as they said wrap on S1.
There is also understandable interest in the documentary Undercurrent: Kim Walls disappearance (March 8 on HBO Nordic), but far more exciting it might be Andy Warhol’s Diaries (March 9 on Netflix), who dives into how his life changed forever after a feminist nearly shot him dead in 1968, and Phoenix Rising (March 16 on HBO Nordic), where actress Evan Rachel Wood agrees with the extent of her abuse of Marilyn Manson.
They say that appearance can be misleading, but it turns out that Manson not only looked like a ‘male penis’, but was also one.
Source: The Nordic Page