Let us start again” … in the 1820s it sounded like mission impossible from a doctor to a gout sufferer; in the 1960s, as something Nancy Sinatra might say during a flip-flop break; and since the 1980s, our most common office announcement. Usually it is followed by moaning.
Perhaps that’s why the TV and film industries have adopted the term to mean flogging a dead horse…sorry, breathing new life into an old story, whether it’s setting it in another era or another continent (Pride and Prejudice could teach Phileas Fogg a thing or two about circumnavigation), or another origin story – Sherlock, Superman and Spiderman have had more reboots than the Commodore Vic 20.
This September is definitely reboot month, and this is where it peaks! Remember that you, the viewer, are in control: just turn it off and don’t restart!
Just break their hearts!
Perhaps the most unwelcome reboot of September, and possibly ever, is Hocus Pocus 2 (Disney+; September 30). Granted, it’s a sequel to a terrible 1993 movie, but in terms of unwanted resurrections, it’s right up there with the exhumation of the woman in The Staircase 18 years after her death. Suffice it to say, this is a collective reboot in the teeth for all of us.
The main characters, who at the beginning of the original were hanged in 17th-century Salem – in this regard, Bette Midler and Sarah Jessica Parker are well cast – are joined by the British actress Hannah Waddington, who on September 12 picks up her second Emmy in a row for the deeply unfunny Ted Lasso. Let’s hope this quickly delivers a coup de grace to her stateside outing.
But who on earth is this aimed at: the same tweens who gargled Um Bongo at BFF birthday parties in the early 1990s? Today, they are in their early 40s and addicted to #MeToo. And the same could be asked Pinocchio (Disney+; Sept. 8), a live-action yarn starring Tom Hanks as Giuseppe, which has the same animation as the 1940 original. Everyone who saw it and wanted more is either dead or nearly there. Couldn’t they just burn him and save us all the trouble (when you want it on fire, etc.)?
And why oh why are we revisiting the 1990s series Heartbreak high (Netflix on September 15), whose fanbase must have been the same awkward Australian teenagers, mostly of Greek descent, in Melbourne that it portrayed. This time, most of them are LGBT, but just as crazy.
Finally, American Gigolo (September 9), now a reboot series starring Jon Bernthal (not to be confused with Christopher Messina) as Richard Gere, has potential because we all like sex, right? There is no definite release date in Denmark, but call me when you have one.
Put away Howard’s end!
Is Ruben Östlund a reboot of Lars von Trier, who has unfortunately been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease (see page 9)? Well, the Swede’s first two films, Force Majeure (2014) and The Square (2017), confirm that he treads a path as unique as Von Trier’s, and with Triangle of Triangles (September 22: 68 on Metacritic), he has already managed to do what the Dane failed to do: win the Palme d’Or for the second time. Nevertheless, this work of epic schadenfreude (the have-nots at the expense of the have-lots) is not without its detractors. While most agree it’s too long for a satire at 147 minutes, The Guardian laments that it lacks the subtlety of his earlier work.
All reboots are off regarding David Bowie, but his legacy is such that we never run out of material for documentaries, of which Moonage Daydream (15 Sep; 85) is top drawer.
George Clooney is this generation’s Cary Grant, but would Mr Leach have stooped to the level Ticket for Couplesadise (September 15; Not released worldwide), a terrible romcom with Ocean’s co-star Julia Roberts.
The last time Emma Thompson had this much sex was in The Tall Guy, which must make Daryl McCormack (Bad Sisters), her Irish co-star in Good luck to you, Leo Grande (September 22; 78), the 2020s equivalent of Jeff Goldblum. In fact, McCormack was two months old when Emma picked up her Oscar for Best Actress for Howards End (not a porn movie, as much as it sounds like one).
The sexual content of Blonde (Sept. 24 on Netflix), a Marilyn Monroe biopic, has also grabbed headlines ahead of its expected release. Ana de Armas is an early shout-out to the Oscars for a portrayal that doesn’t contradict her Cuban heritage — before you suggest she’s not big enough to play the big actress, a little myth-busting will reveal the size 16 claim that stems from UK vs US confusion.
No awards for Daisy Edgar-Jones (Normal People) in Where Crawdads Sing (Sept 22; 43), the long-awaited film adaptation of the hugely popular novel that ultimately rings hollow, let down by hair too perfectly tousled and shabby too smart, or Zak Efron in The biggest beer run ever (Oct. 1 on Apple), the true story of a man who went all the way to the Vietnam War to deliver a pair of heat. Some stories are best left untold.
The instructor has wild perks
That leaves us with lists to complete the September lineup, starting with returning TV series: The Handmaid’s Tale (S5; September 15) and Lose the Espookys (S2; September 15) on HBO Max; Cobra Kai (S5; September 10) on Netflix; and Atlanta (S4; September 16) on Disney+; and The capture (S2; September 27) on CMore.
Halloween hopefuls abound The invitation (September 1; NRW), Body Body Body (September 8; 70), Animals (September 22; NRW), The Devil in Ohio (Sep 3; series on Netflix) and Smile (September 29; NRW). Back with a vengeance in this age where television is the natural home of drama, the short, crisp format that cinema offers is the perfect fit for horror. With Putin, Trump, the threat of terrorism and climate change hiding behind our sofas, we all need a bit of escapism, don’t we.
Well, if cheap shocks are your ticket, go for Florence Pugh and Harry Styles Don’t worry honey (September 22; NRW), which should be the bomb if its ‘making of’ story is anything to go by. Director Olivia Wilde has apparently fired Shia LaBeouf for being the douche he’s well-reported to be, then replaced him with Harry Styles, who she started dating in the middle of filming. But if this movie is as good as Booksmart, we have no need to worry, honey.
The jury is out on what Restart (September 20), a comedy about a show being revived after a two-decade hiatus, will be as. More of a hint of it, it’s satirical, maybe. As Nancy said, “One of these days these reboots will pass you by.”