Another Christmas occurs in Denmark. For us natives, this is no biggie. I’m actually so acclimatized to this Scandinavian bay we call home that – and I’m laughing heartily here – it’s hard to remember how Christmas is anywhere else!
My first Christmas calendar
But when I think back to my very first Danish Christmas almost a year ago, I am reminded of a particularly peculiar tradition: the Christmas calendar.
The Christmas calendar is when Danish television stops broadcasting (probably) except for a nightly episode of a Christmas theme series for the first 24 days of December.
I was introduced to a ‘classic’ Christmas calendar last year: ‘Jesus & Josefine’. It’s impossible to say what year it sent unless you had to Google it. However, a well-researched article is not one I want to be associated with, much to my editor’s continued despair.
What follows, therefore, is my recollection of the strangest TV show ever.
Right little lady
Josefine is a little Danish girl, anywhere between 6 and 12 years old (it is not my strength to guess children’s age). Her birthday is Christmas and that is why she hates Christmas so much that she wants it banned. Which even for a 6-12 year old child is self-centered.
When her teacher throws the school birthday, Josefine helpfully identifies herself to us, the audience, as a right madam by interrupting to repeat her desire to kick Christmas down a big hole forever (paraphrase).
The teacher rewards Josephine’s warfare in a shocking tactical display by casting her as Mary. Unlike all other obedient children in the classroom, Josefine does not want this and makes it very clear. Yet the clearly intoxicated teacher insists on ruining the entire theater experience for everyone.
Josefine then insults her family (also from Denmark), especially her literal priests for a mother. The viewer is left to consider whether mother should spend less time encouraging Josefine to develop an unrestrained relationship with God and more time teaching her despicable child not to be so ugly and horrible.
Little little messiah
Josefine walks into a store that sells trinkets owned by a kind man whose unequivocal fault is that he is Satan. Satan asks Josefine not to touch a glowing cupboard and leaves her (perhaps unwise) to look after the shop alone. Josefine, as the unmanaged oik she is, immediately touches the closet despite Satan’s specific requests to the contrary.
The worse than Satan Josefine is transported to Nazareth, where she meets, all people, Boy Jesus. And (you will not believe it) he speaks Danish! Just when you thought he could not be more impressive, Jesus is revealed as a polyglot at a tender age of between 6 and 12 years.
Josefine becomes friends with Jesus, much to the dismay of me, the viewer. Jesus seems to be a good child and does not know what he is getting himself into with this time travel. She leads him around Nazareth, destroys the whole story of the Bible along the way and convinces him to visit modern Denmark.
In a glorious demonstration of idiocy, she leads him into a church where Boy Jesus sees the Man Jesus attached to a cross. Boy Jesus decides – not unreasonably – “Fuck it for a bag of laughter” (paraphrasing) and time travel back to avoid the living daylight out of messianic activities.
The temple torn in two
Josefine is back in Denmark, who without a boy Jesus is ignored by Satan. Seeing it, obviously, that Satan transforms the earth into hell, bringing eternal suffering upon all mankind, is not great, and Satan must take some responsibility. But remember, it’s kind of ‘his deal’. Josefine does not have this excuse.
I threw my shoes at the TV in frustration over Josefine, and it broke. It was day 22. If anyone knows how it ends, send me an email. Preferably before Christmas.
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